RAWESOME IN BACK ALLEYS
AUGUST 8, 2011. The truth has finally surfaced. The members of the Rawesome buyer’s club are all addicts, and their drug of choice is raw milk.
The raid on their shooting gallery in Venice was just a prelude to a much larger bust, which will no doubt require the cooperation of the Mexico state police.
How many tons of raw milk are coming up through the Tijuana border?
And how many kids outside schools in LA are being given little pints of milk, as a come-on, to reel them in?
There’s a rumor circulating, at local hair dressers and nail emporiums, that a bunch of soccer moms are supplementing their income with “floating SUV” operations in Beverly Hills and Encino.
They say it’s the separated cream at the top of the bottle that really creates the addiction.
The symptoms to watch for are: temporary euphoria; improved hair luster; and skin sheen.
Long-time observers of the scene believe top Hollywood celebrities are fleeing town to avoid questioning and possible arrest.
Early this morning, I was told the actual reason CBS interceded to fire popular actress Maura West from The Young and the Restless was her raw milk habit, which was peaking at two quarts a day.
And stories about Frank McCourt, embattled owner of the LA Dodgers, suggest a raw-milk laundering operation was at the heart of his troubles.
A reliable source, who recently kicked at the Malibu Promises rehab compound, told me, “Shit, the whole city’s floating on raw milk. If they cut the pipeline, a lot of people are going to be hurting. Plus, the economy will collapse overnight. How do you think all those movies get financed? Illegal raw-milk profits.”
The FBI is in town. They’re swarming over the Ramparts station and interviewing LAPD detectives about the removal of large quantities of raw milk from evidence lockers. Apparently, on the street, the product is being stepped on numerous times, with 2%, non-fat, and distilled water. Denizens simply call it RAW, which also, in the vernacular, stands for “runaway wonderful.”
Several local banks are being investigated for receiving large amounts of cash from illegal raw milk sales. Authorities in Panama and Geneva have been contacted.
Sports Illustrated is preparing a major story on the sudden lapse of LA Laker star Pau Gasol in the playoffs this spring. Gasol was cut off from his raw milk supply when his dealer was detained by authorities, after a car accident near Staples Center. Several cases of raw milk fell out of the dealer’s trunk during a collision with a catering van. By the time police officers reached the scene, all but a few bottles of milk had been stolen by neighborhood residents.
LA Police Chief, Charlie Beck, states, “At least one drive-by shooting this year, in Bel-Air, was milk-related. Normally, these people keep their business to themselves. They’re well organized. But things got out of control last February, and two yuppies in a milk truck opened fire on a house on Roscomare Road. One of the bullets hit a huge container of milk in the front living room, and the whole place went up in a fireball.”
…Jamie Oliver, star of the ABC television series, “Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution,” is being investigated by the DEA… Pursuant to a federal warrant, footage of his shows and outtakes has been confiscated, to see if any mention of “raw milk” was made…Oliver was stopped at LAX yesterday, as he was about to board a plane for London…
…FBI Director Robert Mueller announced today that a new test for raw milk has been developed at the Bureau’s main lab… It can analyze and identify “residue on the skin or clothing, and in some cases a colonoscopy can ferret out the presence of RAW in the lower tract…”
…LAPD officers have broken up a ring staging private parties in the exclusive upper reaches of Benedict Canyon…RAW is consumed in great amounts at the gatherings, resulting in what’s called “trampoline orgies”…a UCLA professor of Zoology and his wife, a divorce attorney, have been taken in for questioning…